Hello everyone,

Over the past 27 years of practice as a professional massage therapist, it never ceases to amaze me the questions that very frequently are asked by telephone callers in response to my ads listed in the "Therapeutic Massage" sections of printed and online publications which bear absolutely no relevance to the quality of the massage work I offer.

Here goes:

1. How old are you?
2. What do you look like?
3. Are you hung?
4. Are you gay?
5. Is this a "full-body" massage?
6. Is this a "sensual" massage?
7. Is the massage done in the nude?
8. Is there a "release" during the massage?
9. Are there any "extras" included?
10. Do you offer free sessions to guys with great bodies?

My responses:

1. How old are you?

   Response: I am older than I was last year at this time – and younger than I will be next year at this time. Yes, I am older than 18 – so I am of legal age.

2. What do you look like?

   Response: I look like a massage therapist (I am often tempted to use the Miss Swan response from Mad TV – "I look like a man").

3. Are you hung?

   Response: Clothes are "hung"…people are "hanged" – and so far, the lynch mob hasn’t caught up with me yet.

4. Are you gay?

   Response: I usually maintain a very happy and positive demeanor.

5. Is this a "full-body" massage?

   Yes, I keep my full-body attached when doing the massage. I find that I function better if all my body parts are properly attached.

6. Is this a "sensual" massage?

   Well, Webster’s first definition of "sensual" is: "of the body and the senses as distinguished from the intellect or spirit." So from the moment I touch your body, it (by definition) becomes a "sensual" massage. I can however, perform the massage without ever touching your body if you’d prefer.  The fact is: I provide a warm, dimly lit room scented with essential oils, soft music and a warm touch. That is, by definition, a sensual massage. If someone offers you a massage which they claim is not sensual, they’re unaware of this definition and - what’s worse - may possibly have taken extreme measures in order to “render harmless” your senses that are engaged.

7. Is the massage done in the nude?

   Response: Most of my clients are more comfortable wearing as little as possible. Oh, you mean me? Well, I am always nude beneath my clothes.  During the session, I customarily wear a rented tuxedo.  For less formal occasions, a jacket and tie often suffice..

8. Is there a "release" during the massage?

   Response # 1: Yes, I do release you from the table at the conclusion of your session. I see no need to keep you tied down to the table after your session is finished. Your body would get in the way of my next client.

   Response # 2: I can sign a release slip so that you are able to return to your normal activities after the session if that is helpful.

9. Are there any extras included?

   Response: Sometimes I do have tokens available for the local car wash and if time permits, I can include a shoe shine or even prepare you a wholesome home-cooked meal. And I always have plenty of Arby’s coupons available.

10. Do you offer free sessions to guys with great bodies?

Response: If you have a great body, the session is free. You simply pay my "going rate" for the rental of my massage studio and the use of my massage table (see page entitled "Rates for GWGB")